A New Year!!!

I know that it is February, but HAPPY NEW YEAR XANGA!

I can't start to explain how I like this place more than any other blog place that I've seen out there. My friend started a blogspot for our school organization and she has two for herself. When I first put this all together I just had to think to myself- Man does she have a great need to express herself.

This friend of mine is my suite mate. I have known her for three year, she is thrilled by the high of competition, performances, and the arts. She talks with envy of her younger brother, but she secretly extremely proud of him, continuously mentioning his accomplishments and slightly exaggerating his talents. At the time she spoke of her brother, I was slightly annoyed, but could say jealous of how her brother was progressing in his life. I started to tackle, her brother's brains, with my own brother's brawn. Of course she brought up that her own brother was somewhat athletic himself, but I was dubious, but who can really tell with a 13 year old boy who is still developing. She could obviously tell that I reacted negatively to the bravado she put out of her brother. She may or may not know it, but she is very proud of her brother-he sometimes spikes a competitive nature in her, but she is proud of him. It was childish of me to react that way, Tania comes from a family of researchers, she spoke about how her brother was very investigative, and why shouldn't he be, it was displayed in his environment and possibly genetic. My family has many energies, and that of my father's is not exactly that well developed, how silly of myself. People can do anything if they are raised to do so.

I am sick and tired of the organizations that I am in. I just want to research and do my homework. I really like my classes this time; I even have a little crush on my professor. My organizations are exhausting. My once favorite one, is just full of suck ups and if you don't suck up you just don't care. And I don't care, the suck ups just get more and more attention from everyone. People who do small little amazing things are overshadowed by the preferred accomplishments of a selected few people. It is absolutely disgusting because at the end of the day, that incredibly harms those who are trying to grow, but are constantly put right by those praised people. Our advisers are to blaim partially, but I feel like I should have done more to encourage those around me. Unfortunately, I ran out of steam. The persident is a dick who puts me down at every minutes he has. He is awful, and now he has completely shut down. I need to talk to him, because I need him to be a leader.

My cousin's wedding was last weekend. I am quite doubtful of the man she married because in his best man's speech the guy mentioned that the groom of the day had went through many changes in his life and went through many careers and had switched faiths as well. How can I expect this person not to run out of this commitment when it is least convenient for him?

I on the other hand need to get more productive. I need to also get a new phone my old one broke. I don't know how it will work when one is still in contract. I am also really behind on school work. I need to really catch up!!!

Hope everyone have a wonderful weekend and Valentine's Day. Love is always out there, but in truth it starts from within and from the realization that God loves you.

-DB

Extroverted or Introverted?

I am initially an introvert.

I hate meeting new people, going to new places, doing new things. I will let people know about my insecurities right off the bat. And I come off very cold. For example, when someone eats lunch with us (my suite mates) for the first time, I am absolutely conflicted as too how to act around them, because I don't really want someone to assume that I am a bad person from my initial actions. Usually, I need friends to vouch for new people when they first come into my group, otherwise, since I don't know their background I will lash out on them. 

But after that initial introverted intent- I will completely turn into my true form of an extroverted beast. I am in this form true and magnificent. Although there are mishaps in this form, there lies my real heart which extends as far and deep as the oceans. I love being the center of the party. When I walk into one of my programs ( I'm the director of events for my one organization) I run the place like, well a boss. I make sure that everyone is well attended to, I make my rounds to say hi to everyone, I want everyone to be having a great time. I am dramatic, grand, and explosive. 

I actually like both my sides. Some people think being one is better than the other, but I don't. I have met extrovert who I didn't like and I have met introverts who I didn't like. And likewise the opposite, I have met both extroverts and introverts whom I have liked. You just have to remind introverts it's okay to open up because people begin to feel that they are cold, and just have to remind extroverts that they have to focus on themselves at times because people begin to notice that they start to lose their credentials. 

I guess I want to start a discussion: Extroverted, introverted, of both? What are characteristics of both that you like or don't like?

Other than that- I changed my profile. Feeling weird about it, but fire is what I am truly feeling deep down inside.

-DB 

I am conflicted.

I am at a point in my life where my heart and my mind are at different ends. My heart always leads my choices, but this is the first time, in a long time that my mind has stood up for itself and it is saying that I am being stupid. This is a choice where my heart is in pain. It wants this so bad, but my mind is right. Why do our hearts wish for the more idealistic things in life? 

Great Sadness. I can't stand it. I need to know my limit. However, I am willing to push it. I want to push it. But I shouldn't.

Absolutely Exhausted!

4:34pm

GREETINGS XANGA!!!

I can finally write an entry yay!!! These days I don't even write proper entries into my personal diary, I just write checklists of things I had to do for the week. If I'm not in class, I'm doing homework, and if I'm not doing homework, I am doing one of the million extra curricular activities I do. And staying on schedule is almost always impossible because it is so hard to stay focus and keep my thoughts straight. 

Barely ever one step ahead of the game, I am racing with time, as usual, to keep up with everything I am doing. I meet so many new people, who say that they have seen me before, where as my friends say they never see me around. It's sort of funny.

My classes are for the most part going well. I am taking a geography class, which is absolutely boring! I was texting my friend Meagan in class explaining how boring this class was. Also, since the material is so dry and sometimes the professor just goes through the Powerpoint slides with all the information so quickly it's just hard to grasp all the concepts. I am taking Pre-Calc again, so I can get an A this time and bring my GPA up. I got 100% on the first quiz and I have an A average on my homework. My Art History class is so much fun because I have this sweet old European women as my professor, she says the cutest things. Spanish is not too bad, but it's not that great either. I think I have a B right now in the class. And finally, the number one class that is kicking my butt is my American Colonies History class. Seriously, every time we have class, we usually have paper due. Depending on the question the paper can be up to 5-6 pages. The professor doesn't really check all the papers, but just checks for the most part if you did the paper. I already missed an assignment because I did not look at the syllabus close enough. I need to make it up. The paper that my professor has graded. She commented that I need to add more detail into my work. I only realize how much more my papers could have been until I reach class and we start discussing the work which we were suppose to review. It's a perpetually draining me.

My ex-bf is my boss for one of my organizations. And boy he is a slave driver and it's impossible to please him when it comes to stuff like work. I feel like he doesn't know that I am juggling ten million things, and he just expects everything related to him has to be in tip top shape. However, some days it just feels as though he is throwing things on top of my load just to trip me. 

Last night we celebrated my good friend, Wendy's birthday. Wendy was my suitemate from last year and we became really close. Wendy, is soooo fucking awesome. Like when my ex dumped me, she took a marker and wrote he was an a-hole right on the white board of the campus dinning hall. Which is funny because he actually knows some of the people who work there, thus they all know him. She also helped me make a stress relieving album of funny pictures that day as well. Wendy and I have done lots of silly things together. I can always count on her as a drinking buddy and someone to have a good adventure with. We also are work out buddies. My most favorite thing about her though is that I don't have to share her with the other people who I hang out with, for example my suite mates, who are very opinionated and strong individuals. However, whenever they are in the room, they always some how have the first and the last thing to say and my voice suddenly has faded away. I still love them, however, because they are highly energetic and work oriented group, truly enjoyable to be around. Besides I like to but a lot of thought into what I have to say, I always require time to formulate a good answer, whereas my suitemates are a witty group of people.

Nonetheless,  I like having something to do, most of the time anyway because I feel like I am doing something with my life. Even if I am studying on a Friday. Oh btw, I GOT A JOB!!! It's only a temp job however, but it will bring in some money and it will allow me to put something else on my resume.

My highlight of today was going downtown and volunteering in the city as a assistant class aid for Hispanic children. The innocence of children and the good will of educators is diffused through out that building. Walking into that structure just makes you feel like a child again. Truly a place anyone can cherish. Today was a rough day however, as the children in my class were given a pretest. Most of the children were absolutely diminished of hope as they struggled with their exams. One girl even started crying. It was truly heartbreaking because you know they truly wish they were smarter but they haven't yet mastered the material. All the tears dried up by the end of the day, so nonetheless, we're good. 

I hope everyone is doing well. My father always says mastering hard work can make a person even more amazing. I am still learning, but I am getting there.

~Crow.

I can never show my face in public again.

11:28 am

So woke this morning, and decided to go play tennis, against a wall. It's really great practice. Unfortunately, stupid campus does not have the prefect wall to practice with. I ended up losing one of my only two tennis balls to the roof of the Office of Advising Building. Great. List of things to get: balls and skills. 

Last night, we had to welcome our freshmen class at this crazy event. Basically, for those of us upperclassmen that were there, we had to relive an awful nightmare. Except we were the crazy people. I completely lost my voice. And all the freshmen think I'm crazy. I'm so glad I did not have my glasses or contacts, so I didn't make eye contact with them, also I really won't remember anyone. Me and my new friend J are like we can never show our faces in public again. 

Since coming back onto campus I've become much closer to the people I've worked with. Me and you know who are awkwardly cool. I still like to give him a hard time though, because it's fun. Ryan, a person I somewhat work with, loves my energy. And I'm cool with the girls that I work with. The girls however, man do they make me feel so unaccomplished in life. They all have jobs and do ten million things. They have their lives together. Like the group just broke out into a sprint right. L and B were keeping up with Ryan like it was nothing... I was like wheezing, like the fat kid in PE, half way through the run. Apparently both L and B run everyday. (Well, L use to, not anymore because she's been having heart problems lately). I always wanted to get back into shape. like how I was in high school. But this morning when I decided to take a jog after my tennis failure, I couldn't keep it up for like three minutes. Instead I just took a walk. I'll get J to be my get in shape buddy. I need to get this together.   

The strangest thing is that people keep asking me for directions. I need to stop being in these situation. People asking me like where's their room, when I don't really live in that building. People ask me where is the dinning hall, when I don't really eat there. They also ask me where's the local gas station, when I don't have a car on campus. Really, this is bad luck.

Well hope everyone's having a great weekend!